There’s a life lesson that I forget over and over and over again and then I get reminded in some way that I never see coming.
That life lesson is that life is a paradox and there’s never one way to do something, there’s never only one side of ourselves, and nothing is ever all “good” or all “bad”.
My step son came down to talk to me the other day about some things he’s been struggling with. He is 17 and working and realizing just how tiring that can be. He also likes to spend time with friends and family on his days off. He told me how he feels stretched so thin, how he wants to please everyone and spend time with everyone, but he’s realizing he can’t do it all. He realized he is a very giving and caring person and wants to go the extra mile all the time and spend time with all the people, but he’s finding he often has no energy left for him.
As I listened to what he was saying, I realized he was describing the human paradox.
His best asset is also his biggest downfall; if he lets it.
We talked about how he can use this asset to his advantage and really embody that generous, giving and caring part of his personality, but also form boundaries. He needs to know when too much is too much, when he needs to regenerate his energy and take some time for himself. We talked about how if he doesn’t take care of himself, he won’t have the bandwidth to be with others and give to others.
In life, there are so many things we could do or want to do or feel like we should do. There are a million businesses to start, ways to make money, career paths you could take, life paths, and choices of all kinds – but what is YOUR superpower? What do YOU want to do? Are you spreading yourself too thin? Are you in your powerful vibration?
Ask yourself: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
It starts with you. You have to put yourself first, you have to choose love first, loving yourself first, raising your vibration, and sitting in that feeling.
For me, my default is love. I know it always has been. And it took me so so so so many years to be OK with that. Because for so long, I wore my heart on my sleeve. I still do, but when I was young I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t know how to deal with the enormous amount of compassion and love I had in my heart so I stuffed it down. I downplayed it. I drank. I smoked weed. I was angry. I yelled. I rebelled. I partied. I covered it up however I could because it was excruciating to feel that much. It hurt so much to care so much and to love so much, but not know how to protect myself. I was ignoring the one thing inside of me that actually felt like me.
And then I felt like an imposter. I felt as if I was an imposter in my own body, my own life, I felt like a fraud. I felt weak and I felt scared. I didn’t know how to handle these emotions, this high vibration that I knew I had inside me.
And because of that, I shrank myself. I beat myself up because I wasn’t like everyone else, because I couldn’t stay up all night or have all the energy in the world or stick to one job or just climb the corporate ladder. I ended up in restaurants and I felt like a failure. I felt like I had failed my life already, that all was lost. I knew that I wasn’t living up to my potential.
It felt so vulnerable and scary to say YES I’m going to do this! I’m going to be who I really know I am.
Because once you claim that, then you’re responsible. And I was scared. Scared to fail, disappoint myself, and become a fool.
I was scared to expose my inner self because that part felt so vulnerable. And it was. And it is. But that part of me is also strong and fearless and brave. That part of me just needed a little push, a little help, and a lot of love.
It’s all a paradox because our weakest part is simultaneously our strongest part. It’s like that with so many things in life, like my relationship with food when I had an eating disorder. I loved food so much and yet at the same time it was also my worst enemy. And I lived in this ever oscillating hell – I love it but I hate it, I love it but I hate it, I love it but I hate it.
And I felt that way about myself, too. I felt that way about the world. I felt that way about life and everything that goes along with it. I love it but I hate it.
But that paradox, that’s life. If you can get comfortable with that feeling, that it’s simultaneously a little bit of this and a little bit of that, then your world can expand.
Stop judging whether something is good or bad and find the curiosity in it.
What is it telling you, teaching you, how can you harness it, raise your vibration, let it embody you?
Then, you will begin to be free, you will begin to find your power. You will begin your life.